Mindset is a dynamic thing. How you think about this break up makes a big difference in what's to follow. An individual's first reaction is to feel nasty. Okay "it does feel terrible. But "feeling terrible" is a choice and how long you opt to feel this way is your decision.
This isn't to proffer that you suppress all of your feelings, paint a grin on your face, and pretend you feel great. That's not going to happen. So kick, cry, fight, scream, and hide under the covers if you'd like. But if you consider all those "He split up with me;" "We're broken up" and "I hate breakups" declarations are depressing due to what "break up" means to you.
What if "break up" meant something different? What if you redefined it? You just need to be willing to take a look at things in another light. It's been said that the strength to which you love is directly in proportion to the strength in which you detest. Hence, the more intense the fighting, the more intense the getting back together.
Consider it. If you just purchased a fresh Ferrari, the one you have wanted since you could drive, you'd be devastated if you crashed it; much way more than if you totaled your grandmother's 1989 hand-me-down. It's reasonable to say that you'd do anything you could to get that Ferrari running again and up to your specs. The hand-me-down... Not so much.
This relationship is your Ferrari. You are not just going to sigh and settle for grandma's hand-me-down. You're going to do what you have to do to get that Ferrari back on the road. The crash was merely a manageable problem. Knowing this, inspect your break up from another angle. Conflict is a nice thing, and a break up is a great example of a conflict.
According to relationship expert, John Gottman, Ph. D, conflict itself is not the root cause of unhappy relationships; it's how we handle it. In his research, he's discovered that venting fury constructively can actually do wonders to clear the air and get a relationship back in balance.
So here you are in this break up. It's another conflict... And for every conflict, there is a resolution. Basically, this break up is an opportunity for you to prove its strength. It is not the end of the world. It's a maturing experience. See this as your current position rather the more negative "my life is over" belief, and you will make yourself much more engaging in his eyes. He'll see that you're not "scared" of a break up. You are stable enough to cope with things no matter how they present themselves, and empowered to save your marriage.
This isn't to proffer that you suppress all of your feelings, paint a grin on your face, and pretend you feel great. That's not going to happen. So kick, cry, fight, scream, and hide under the covers if you'd like. But if you consider all those "He split up with me;" "We're broken up" and "I hate breakups" declarations are depressing due to what "break up" means to you.
What if "break up" meant something different? What if you redefined it? You just need to be willing to take a look at things in another light. It's been said that the strength to which you love is directly in proportion to the strength in which you detest. Hence, the more intense the fighting, the more intense the getting back together.
Consider it. If you just purchased a fresh Ferrari, the one you have wanted since you could drive, you'd be devastated if you crashed it; much way more than if you totaled your grandmother's 1989 hand-me-down. It's reasonable to say that you'd do anything you could to get that Ferrari running again and up to your specs. The hand-me-down... Not so much.
This relationship is your Ferrari. You are not just going to sigh and settle for grandma's hand-me-down. You're going to do what you have to do to get that Ferrari back on the road. The crash was merely a manageable problem. Knowing this, inspect your break up from another angle. Conflict is a nice thing, and a break up is a great example of a conflict.
According to relationship expert, John Gottman, Ph. D, conflict itself is not the root cause of unhappy relationships; it's how we handle it. In his research, he's discovered that venting fury constructively can actually do wonders to clear the air and get a relationship back in balance.
So here you are in this break up. It's another conflict... And for every conflict, there is a resolution. Basically, this break up is an opportunity for you to prove its strength. It is not the end of the world. It's a maturing experience. See this as your current position rather the more negative "my life is over" belief, and you will make yourself much more engaging in his eyes. He'll see that you're not "scared" of a break up. You are stable enough to cope with things no matter how they present themselves, and empowered to save your marriage.
About the Author:
Karen Holland is a relationship coach and correspondent on subjects like how to get your ex husband back, and preferred relationship-healing manuals like The Magic of Making Up.
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